Letting go..

A sad and sometimes unjust fact of life is that people change: Hearts change, feelings change. Sometimes circumstances change the way that we feel, sometimes it is another influence from deep within ourselves. When this happens between two people in a close relationship whether it be friendship or something deeper, the result can be wrenching. You may love someone very much but still discover that you have to let them go.

When you hear people say that they drifted apart, do you sometimes wonder about the truth of that circumstance? Wouldn't it be wonderful if you had the exact same feelings at the same time, and just went gently, politely on your way? What I usually see happening is an imbalance of love. When two people love each other very much, their imbalances measure out over time. It is the rubber band theory: One moves away and springs back and then the other moves away and springs back again. Their relationship has elasticity enough to last.

But you will find yourself in other circumstances throughout a lifetime of relationships. Sometimes someone loves you more than you can love them back. This is painful, and there is guilt and shame. This has never been the case with me. Someone close once said to me "Zahrah you show so much love that I don't think anyone will ever love you the way you love them, why don't you just stop trying?". I laughed to myself and shrugged it off. This thought repeats in my head and hammers me down from time to time. But I never learn from my mistakes, I carry on loving just like before. Is this a weakness or a strength?

Sometimes it happens that you lose your best friend. They may pull away or grow distant. If this is after years of being close it can cause terrible panic in the other person's heart. You look to find the flaw, you try and discover what you've done. You attempt to talk about it, for this is the person you have always talked things over with, the one you trust to be there. If the feeling is mere insecurity on your part, they will reassure you. They will talk about the cause of the change and you will be close again. If they have truly pulled away, they will be impatient. They will not want to talk about their feelings, they will not want to spend time with you; they will not want any intimacies established between you. You will start to look for signs of their lack of feeling and concern. You will find the signs. They will blame you, saying your insecurity is the reason for their behavior and push away even more. You may try for a long time to reach them, maybe frantically at the height of the conflict, maybe passively, waiting to see if they'll talk on their own. As time passes you will get used to not talking to them, you will get used to their disappearing acts. There will come a day when your faith in the person you love gives way, and you stop holding on.

A person trying to hold a love together rarely gets the credit for the bravery they show while their confidence is waning. There is no way to explain how difficult it is to love someone who does not love you back; who changed one day while you weren't looking. This has become a normal routine for me, people change within a blink of an eye. Sometimes you think to yourself, why do I even bother with certain people? But the answer is clear to me, when I form a friendship, I will perform the role of a friend to the best of my ability. One of the hardest situations is when a close one ignores you. What do you make of this? Are they genuinely busy? Or is there a deeper meaning? Are they purposely avoiding you? Your mind becomes a battle field, one thought fighting against the other. But sometimes you don't even want to know the truth because you're afraid. Afraid of that feeling, where the pit of your stomach burns, your eyes fill up whilst you try to blink it away. Blink away the tears and cry through your skin. Bleed that crimson river all over again. Such people who you show such love and dedication to who slowly disappear are people who I never want to encounter but somehow everyone seems to turn out this way. Their thoughts are based on the simple saying - out of sight, out of mind. The truth is everyone leaves. Everyone.

I guess if you see these kind of signs, there is no really great advice to give except: Retain your dignity. Make every effort your heart needs to make to keep the faith, but when you know that there is no hope, keep your head held high. Take good care of yourself. Understand that it was nothing you did or failed to do. There is nothing to help it when someone breaks the faith with you. Hard though it seems to believe, life gets better and you will, eventually, find the strength to be loved again. Just don't make the same mistake I have which is simply repeating my mistakes by trusting and putting faith in the wrong people. If there is one thing I've learned it's that you should NEVER GIVE YOURSELF AWAY. Never gives significant portions of yourself to other people. Never leave parts of you lying around throughout time. Try the best you can to scoop it up & take it with you, even though it's really hard. But at least then in the future you won't be messed up because of it. You won't ever feel the need to go back through time to retrieve scattered pieces of yourself. You won't feel the need to knock on an old friends door one day asking for the BOTTOM LEFT CORNER of your heart back. Sometimes I wish I could just write for page after page for as many as it took, trying to explain to everyone, to myself, why I am the way I am. Because I swear to God if I could everything would make so much more sense.

by Zahrah